I have to be honest, 2012 ranked as the 2nd worst year of my adult life.
Losing sweet Oliver was really just the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I really struggled the entire with year a number of things.
So..where are we on the adoption front?
Right now,we are not active in the adoption process.
It's really hard to talk about the whole thing,but basically after we found out about Oliver,we just assumed that we were to continue on with the adoption. Yes, we were hurting,but there are other kids,and our thought was that God would lead us to a new child.
So,we went on Reece's Rainbow,and started looking at the children available in our country that we qualified for,and started praying about two little boys....
During that time,we were working with our HS agency to get our HS completed,so we could keep moving on. And,while we were trying to do that,a whole bunch of things went wrong. One,our Social Worker did not send our HS to our facilitator to check over,and so even tough it was signed and notarized,we couldn't accept it until it was looked over by our team. THEN,our agency found that one of our reference letters was missing...and they had to have it to send the HS. THEN, our agency decided that because we lived in Texas for part of 2007,they wanted to get child abuse clearance forms from that state. These can take months to get,and when I called the Texas office to find out if they could expedite the process,the lady was out of the office until January (this was 3 weeks ago.)
Honestly, nervous breakdown ensued. I'm not really joking,either.
Oh,and let me mention that Erik's truck broke down for the second time (in about 2 months.)
I really just started to panic and unravel like a ball of yarn. I was stressing out about why things weren't moving along,and everything kept going wrong. Not to mention,I was grieving,but trying not to...
On top of that, despite our fervent prayers for the Lord to lead us to a new child,we were getting radio silence.
On our anniversary, December 13th, Erik and I were able to get out by ourselves for a bit and really talk about the situation. It was SO refreshing. We had been stuffing so many emotions down,and it was nice to just be able to connect.
At that time,we both were still believing that we should keep going,but we started to question if God was leading us...or if we were acting on our own will.
With Oliver,we just KNEW that he was to be our son,and we would have walked a million miles to have him in our arms. The Holy Spirit compelled us to move,and that's what we did.
This is getting so long,but we took a mental break over Christmas,and didn't talk to anyone from our facilitation team,Homestudy agency,etc. We spent some much needed time with family,focusing on the Savior's birth,and just praying a LOT.
It became apparent to Erik and I (although he made the final decision) that the Lord was closing the door on this for now. One night,I was laying in bed crying out to the Lord in my heart and begging for wisdom,and I felt very clearly that he said to me "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord." And that was it for me.
Has it been easy to let go? Not especially,but I know that I serve an Eternal God,who knows and sees infinitely more than I do,and if he closes a door,it's for a reason. I don't know what the reason is,but I trust Him. With everything,every last bit of it.
I know there are still so many orphans,and my heart breaks for them. And my mind tells me we should just pick one,and love will follow. You know how minds are,they come up with all sorts of good ideas on their own accord.
However,it's the heart we have to search and seek out God's will,because that is where the Holy Spirit dwells.
Romans 8:27 And he who searches hearts knows what
is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints
according to the will of God.