Friday, December 7, 2012

A mother's heart.

Hello Friends. Be forwarned,this is very long. Nothing can be cut,or trimmed down. It won't do. It's all important to our journey,and I want to share it with you.

It's been a few days since I last wrote about our little sweetie. It's been a hard few days,working through the powerful emotions that pour through our hearts. We are sad, weary, confused, and scared....but,above everything,we are blessed.

Yes,I know,it does seem strange to tell you just days after hearing that our little guy passed away,we are feeling blessed. It is so.

And now,I will tell you a story about how good God really is,and how He cares for His children far more than we can ever imagine.

On Monday morning,I logged onto Facebook,to work on selling some items from our home to help fund our adoption. Completely normal Monday morning. I was on cloud 9 from my dream the night before. To see our child,and hold him in the dream made my heart feel light,and I was so ready to face the day. In even better news, someone was interested in buying my elliptical (and we really needed that money). So,as some of you know,you have a regular message folder on Facebook,and then a folder titled "other". If someone who is not your friend sends you a message,it goes into your other folder. Since the person who wanted to buy the elliptical wasn't a friend,I had to go into my "other" folder to message back and forth with her.

While in that folder,I happened to see a message from someone with a foreign name. Hmh,what is this? I almost didn't click on it,because I assumed it was some type of spam,but my curiosity got the better of me,and so I clicked.

The message was short,and it said the child we wished to adopt had died today. I quickly checked the time mark,and it came in on Sunday afternoon.

Now,here's the truth: I totally thought it was spam. I thought it was a mean person who knew we were adopting,but didn't like Reece's Rainbow,or didn't care for international adoption,and wanted to be nasty. This happens way more than you know,and I've seen it firsthand.

I forwarded the message to our US facilitator,and she sent it off the the in-country team to check it out,but told me that it was probably just someone cruel,and to disregard. So,I did. I mentioned it to Erik,but we really didn't believe it. We had some paperwork issues to take care of that morning,so we went out,got some adoption paperwork done,and..continued on our day. I seriously put it out of my mind.

Around 2 o'clock that afternoon,my cell phone rang. When I saw it was N's (our US facilitator) personal number,my heart fell into my feet,and I walked into another room to answer it.


Lindsay,it's N. I just talked to Y,'s true.

No! And I don't remember anything else she said after that. I was on my knees sobbing,and maybe I said something intelligent,and maybe I didn't,but all I heard was that my little buddy was gone,and I was heartbroken. I remember trying to call Erik at work,but he wasn't answering. It took me a while to get a hold of him,and I had to call his Captain to get a hold of him,which was flat out embarrassing because I was a complete hot mess on the phone,and could barely speak. I remember him asking me if it was life or death...and I thought,yes,it's death. When he finally called me back,I didn't have to say a word. He said,it's true isn't it? And we knew. Our life was forever changed.

Those first 24 hours were the worst. We told only our immediate family members,and walked around the house in a daze. We told the girls,because Julianna was unfortunately privy to my complete breakdown,and she was frightened,because,really,I rarely ever cry,much less wail like a hyena. Tough night. I took Julianna to dance class with my sunglasses securely covering my swollen face,and prayed,honest to God prayed,that she would not mention it to anyone. And she didn't. Thank you.

However,Tuesday morning,we knew we needed to share the news with our friends and family,because so many of you amazing people were praying for us and the little sweetie,and we wanted you to know. Hardest post I've ever written. I was sick to my stomach,sweating profusely,and crying like a baby. Hard.

Ok. Writing all of the above has seriously warped me. I'm exhausted re-living it. However,I want you to know about the God of comfort,and how kind he has been to us during this time.

Go back to the message I got on Facebook. Now,you might be saying to yourself,why did you find out on Facebook? Doesn't your agency call you about things like that?

Well, see, it was the baby boy's mother who sent us the message on Facebook to tell us of his passing.

If your mouth is hanging wide open,right now,join the club. You could have knocked me over with a feather. His MOTHER.

And since that first message,many many more have exchanged between us,me writing in English,and using Google translate to turn it into Russian,and her using Russian,and translating to English. And, not all of the words come out perfect,but we understand. We communicate.

It is through these conversations that I have been able to learn more about the precious baby boy's life. She generously shared with me his name,his medical conditions,and what ultimately caused him to perish. She sent us the MOST precious pictures of the MOST beautiful boy I've ever seen,and they are forever burned into my heart.

Here is what you should know: His mother loved him very much. She was excited for his birth,and eagerly awaited his arrival. When the doctor told her he had Down syndrome,she was shocked and scared because she knew what that meant. Children with Down syndrome in Eastern Europe have no chance at life. They are outcasts,and the families do not dare bring them home,because they will be isolated from the community,and the children will be teased or bullied. She wanted him to have a better life.  She visited him in the orphanage and took diapers and medicine for him. She hoped that a family would come for him,who would help him to have a happy life,where he could go to school,receive proper medical care,and not be teased or bullied for being different. She knew he would be listed on Reece's Rainbow, and waited eagerly to see who his family would be. She and the family read the blog each day,to see how fast we could get there,to get the little red baby who captured our hearts. She was overjoyed to follow along with us,and even commented on my blog a few times,when I had no idea who she was.

Can you believe this amazing gift I was given? To receive pictures,information,and get to know the mother of the amazing little boy we were hoping to bring home with us. I can hardly believe how the Lord has orchestrated this entire thing. We don't deserve ANY of this,none,yet He has given us so much. I have a baby book now,with pictures and memories from this journey. It is on the shelf next to the girls' baby books. It has his name on the side. None of that would be possible if it wasn't for the beautiful sacrificial love that his own mother has for him.

Can you even imagine...she KNEW that she would never get to see him again,once we came for him,yet she was hopeful for the day we would come,so he could have a better life. That is sacrifice. That is love. That is so inspiring to me.

I think if we had heard this news from our facilitator,with no other information about his life or death,it would be very hard to keep going. There would be so many unanswered questions. But GOD,who loves us without limits,show His glory by allowing this relationship to develop between two women,living across an ocean from one another,who loved the same little boy and only wanted the best for him.

Oh,and on Tuesday, the baby boy was buried with a little white cap on. And I'm sure,when I get to Heaven,I will lift up that white cap and see that beautiful red hair once again.

You see, when I said God is still good, that's just what I meant.

Ephesians 3:18- And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.


Kauseks said...

you had a dream, it was God letting you hold your little boy. You praise him and worship him, and because of your never ending faith he gave you that time to touch him, feel him and be with him. God is amazing

Kara said...

Oh Lindsay, I am crying so hard. That is absolutely beautiful. His mother, wow. Absolutely amazing. God is so good.

The Braithwaite Family said...

Thinking of you today as I have been every day since hearing of Oliver's passing. Your sweet story is such a witness of God's love for each of his chilren. The worth of every soul is great in the sight of God. Now I know to also be praying for another sweet mother across the world. Bless you Lindsay for sharing this story of God's goodness and mercy with the rest of us.

Christine said...

I am crying here. I am glad God gave you that dream. He was speaking to you. You WILL see Declan in Heaven. I know you haven't lost him for good.