Friday, February 3, 2012

Being Honest.

It's February. Can you believe it?

This year,like all the others,is flying by.

And for me,this has been a year of little joy. Oh,how it grieves my heart to admit that I've been resting in discontentment,bitterness,and anger for far to long.

It's hard to wrap words around this struggle because it feels a bit like admitting defeat. As a military wife,I pride myself on being a 'supermom/wife/friend/daughter' of sorts. A jack of all trades,if you will.

Need a clean diaper? I can provide! Want a listening ear? I'm totally here. Babysitter? I can do it! Documents printed out,lunch packed neatly,PT's laid by the door? Check,check and check.

I truly PRIDE myself on being able to do it all-and wear a smile while you're at it.

But the truth is,I am not super anything. I'm not even above average. I can't do it all.

Despite my best intentions,and gung-ho attitude,I have found myself discouraged,disgruntled and in despair.

It's the worst kind,really,because when you look at things on the outside (and,oh,how we try to make the outside look...),there is blessings abounding. A roof over our head? Clothes on our backs? Food on the table? All generously provided,by a loving Father.

And yet,somehow,in the midst of all this,I have been rendered useless by believing the father of lies,over the Father who sent His Son to die for me.

It's so easy really. It 1 Peter 5:8,he tells us to be 'self controlled and alert'. Why? 'Because your enemy prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.'

I guess he found me. I do feel a bit like I've been chewed up and spit out.

When we found out we were on orders for Fort Benning,I went into obligatory 'let's do this' mode. I made reservations,packed boxes,planned the trip,and mentally dropped out of my life at Fort Campbell.

After all,all the work the Lord did in my heart at Fort Campbell was surely to equip me for this new thing. And so,I would go,joyfully,preparing the children,and the house..

but neglecting to prepare my heart.

And,I have paid for it.

Instead of being so concerned about touch up paint,and cleaning out the closets,I should have been in the closet,on my knees,asking the Lord to help prepare my heart for what He had in store for me. I should have waited..

...and listened for the wisdom that comes when you open your heart to the Lord.

About a month ago,I was thinking about a sweet lady named Ms. Juanita who came to my house once a week in the Summer,and took me a through a discipleship course on how to grow in my walk. What a sweet and precious time of growth that was for me,as we hunched over my kitchen table,sharing verses and inspiration from the Word,gleaned during the week. Truly a Titus 2 woman,Ms. Juanita shared so much godly wisdom with me,during that hour each week.

During my last Wednesday night at church,I went into the kitchen to grab something for a friend,and Ms. Juanita pulled me aside for a big hug,and said some sweet things to me.

And I smiled,and said something glib about how this is the Lord's will,and we're so excited to go...and thankful for this opportunity...

And what I should have said was... Thank you so much. Thank you for investing your time into my life. Thank you for driving to my house each week,in rain or shine,and pouring your life into mine. Thank you for not being distracted by screaming babes or wild 4 year olds. Thank you for equipping me for this new mission. I love you so much,and I will miss you terribly. I wouldn't want to leave without you knowing how much you mean to me.

But I didn't,and I regret it horribly. There were so many amazing people at Fort Campbell that loved on our family,and stood with us through times of trial,and I just didn't tell them how much it meant to me.

This is one of the many lessons the Holy Spirit has given me during this intense time of trial. It's OK to feel. It's OK to be sad. It's OK to mourn when a special time in your life ends. It's OK to admit that *this* hurts. It's OK to acknowledge that making intense bonds with people,and then leaving them behind is painful. It's OK to tell them that you will miss them,and that you love them. I stuffed a lot of hurt down as we were preparing to leave,and thought that this new life would take it all away.

It's like fleas,though. If you had them in your old house,you're going to have them at your new one,too. Unfortunately,all that pain I stuffed down has found its way up,and I'm now having to deal with it.

I miss my house. I miss my friends. I miss my neighbors. I miss my church . I miss my Bible study class. I miss playdates. I miss it all.

Just saying it out 'loud' is so freeing. Just being able to admit that this isn't that great (right now),and that I'm having a hard time with it,and that I don't have any friends,and that I'm lonely,and that it's been terribly hard to find a church,and that it's hard to get out of bed some mornings helps take the sting away.

It's been a hard road,and I'm still unsure of why we're here,and what God has in store for us.

Here's what I do know,though. The God of Fort Campbell,Kentucky is the God of Fort Benning,Georgia. He is the Sovereign Creator of the Universe. He knit me together in my mother's womb,and He has lovingly carried me through many times of trials. He is a God of the mountain AND of the valley. He is the God of sunshine and rain. He has a purpose for me. He promised me that!

Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you,plans to prosper you and not to harm you,plans to give you hope and a future.

And,no,He wasn't just talking to Jeremiah. He was talking to me (and YOU),too.

I know that in Him,and Him alone,I am a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17),and that He is doing a good work in me. (Philippians 1:6)

I know that there is purpose in the pain.
And so,I will press on,persevering,knowing that this is for His glory,not mine.

-If you've taken the time to read this entire post,please know that I appreciate it so much. I have been holding this in for a while,but isolation is a tool of the devil. I am going to bring this to light,and watch the Lord redeem the broken mess in my heart. Thank you for walking with me. If you are struggling today,and want to bring it to light,feel free to e-mail at at so that I can pray for you.-

No comments: